Meet Me At Monument Hill

To just keep going, doesn’t sound like a difficult task, does it?  I guess that depends on who you are.  Some people struggle every day to live even a half way normal life.  Depression is more wide spread than we know.  Personally, I think every one has fought it at one time or another.  Some don’t win.  Some barely keep their heads above water.  Some do alright.

Doing alright?  Is that good enough?  Will it get better?  Can you make it better?  My experience has been that you really have to work at it……making it better.   Drugs help.  Prescription anti-depressants that is!  I’ve been taking them for many years. 

I have never been a strong person.  I crumble pretty easy.  In adverse times, I am not the one to lean on.  I will do the leaning, thank you very much!  But I will say this, I am a survivor.  I have kept going.  I have picked myself up.  Dusted myself off.  And got on with it.  Because there is nothing else you can do.  Except kill yourself. 

My brother had a good friend who did that.  This guy was “sad” all of his life.  A bad childhood.  Abusive Father.  A Mother who didn’t care.  He married his high school sweetheart and their marriage was extremely volitile.  One long argument.  He became an alcoholic.  Then he quit drinking.  He took the prescription drugs.  He did alittle therapy.  The wife divorced him.  They had two grown sons and a daughter in high school when they split.

Nothing ever made him happy.  But my brother would make the 1 1/2 drive just about every weekend to see him.  They would hunt together.  And talk.  They shared their innermost feelings.  Mostly about the Dad’s.  Probably about the Mom’s too.  My brother knew his friend had been contemplating suicide for a long time.  He talked and talked to his friend about it.  He begged him to think of his children.  How would this affect them for the rest of their lives? 

I know my brother talked long and hard for years to keep his friend going.  Then one day, the call came.  The friend had written a well thought out letter.  Then he called the police department and told them to come out to his farm.  He told them where they would find him. 

He shot himself.  It was over.  He just couldn’t keep going.  He said in his letter that he could not keep living like he was.  He would rather be dead.  My brother was devastated.  Years have passed now, and he still asks himself if there was something more he could have said or done.  Guilt crowds his heart.  He will never get over the suicide of his friend, his very good friend.  It doesn’t matter how many people tell him there was nothing more he could have done to stop it.  He will always wonder……..could he have made a difference.

We don’t talk about it anymore.  There’s no point.  And you and I can talk about why we are sad or depressed until hell freezes over and it probably won’t change anything either.  And don’t forget…..there’s this chemical in our brains…..yada, yada, yada. 

I know whats bugging me.  And I can tell you I’ve “let go of it”.  But thats a lie.  I so admire people who can rise above tragedy in their personal lives.  I see folks who have experienced the very worst things, and let go of them, freed themselves.  Yes, I envy them.

But one thing I can say for myself; I just keep going.  Because there are days when the sky is so blue it takes my breath away.  There are sunsets so beautiful they can make you cry.  There is the sound of rain on the roof at night.  Lets not forget the wind blowing through the trees.  I will keep going to see and hear and smell and touch all these beautiful things of nature.

And I will keep going for the babies that are born into this extended family.  Holding a newborn is the most precious moments I have ever experienced.  Its like looking into the face of God.  It is the purest thing you will ever know. 

So just keep going kids.  Life is worth living.  And while I grieve so very deeply for my beloved Mother, I must look to each new day.  For while I cry, at night, in my bed, there is a new, fresh day coming.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, December 20th, 2006 at 12:59 am and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.